Depression, Anxiety, Hormonal Imbalance - Oh My!
- Claire Walker
- Feb 24
- 6 min read
It’s the morning. The shining sun is gracing the tops of the trees, the birds are singing, cars are moving, bin trucks are bustling by. It is Monday, 6:30am, the city is waking up, but I am not. I cannot. I don’t. So I roll over, toss and turn, wipe my weary eyes that cannot see beyond the doorway into my living room, let alone the doorway into the world.
The time is now 7am, I must get up. I have a full-time job. Beautiful students who need me. Lessons that need to be prepared. Programs that need to be written. A team that is patiently awaiting my participation in the next meeting. Evaluations. Annotations. Duty. Meeting.
I can’t think.
A fog.
It’s thick.
Reluctantly, I get out of bed with my hazard lights on. Cautious at what the day may hold - wanting to be authentic and real, yet wanting to protect the little ones from how I am feeling, what am I feeling? I don’t know.
School. Classroom devotions. We sing ‘His Glory and My Good’ - City Alight:
There is hope in every trial
For I can trust the Lord
He will turn my heart towards Him
And help me bear the thorn
So, in faith, I follow Jesus
On the road not understood
For I know that He is working
For His glory and my good
My mind turns to Job. I remember lament. Sadness is in the Bible. Depression is too. If faithful followers remained in Christ through the valley, surely I could too?
A lament is a prayer in pain that leads to trust. Laments are more than merely the expression of sorrow. The goal of Biblical lament is to recommit oneself to hoping in God and believing God's promises.
It is a faithful and Godly response to pain, suffering, and injustice.
Okay. It’s time for Literacy. God, please take my words, take my thoughts, take my actions. In this emptiness, I need your fullness. In this sadness, I need your presence. In these convoluted feelings, I need to fix my eyes on you. I remember:
“for we walk by faith, not by sight.”
Faith over feelings. Faith over feelings. Faith over feelings. But, LORD, the Spirit reminds me:
“Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.
You have prepared a place for me. I long to be with you. In this place. Now.
Yet, I remember, by your Holy Spirit, you are here with me. In this place. In this fog.
Though I cannot see
I feel your gentle hand holding mine
You always have. You always will.
Like a child with a blindfold on, being guided by a friend, I am being guided by You through this darkness.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.”
I receive a text message, from a Christ-centred, gospel-focused, faithful women’s minister:
“Hey Claire, I’d love to catch up with you sometime. Do you have any free Sunday afternoons coming up?”
What will I say? I cannot articulate a simple sentence, yet express how I am feeling. I go anyway. We meet. We walk. She encourages me to seek professional help. We pray.
God has gifted medical professionals with the knowledge and expertise to meet us where we are. Numerous other friends point me in the same direction - There must be an answer to this detachment. This indifference. This hollow emptiness. These late nights dreading the morning that is to come.
Lethargy is not my normal. This is not me.
Therapy.
Psychologist.
Therapy.
Waiting rooms. Blood tests. DASS21 assessment.
Extreme Severe? oh.
medication. appointment.
repeat.
The next steps
Something must change. I still cannot think.
The days continue. Parent-Teacher meetings. Six lessons - five days a week. Thirty lessons that I need to prepare. Thirty lessons requiring annotations. Eleven programs requiring evaluations. Reports. 24 students.
I pray the very words of Jesus:
“Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.”
In the grace and kindness of the leadership at my school, I reduce my load to three-days a week. Now I have three days teaching. four preparing - with appointments in between.
Answers? Non-yet.
So I move doctors.
Stronger medication.
hightened hearing.
increased irritability.
nausea.
no appitite.
weight loss.
By the Grace of God, I recall a 5 minute youtube video I watched at 18 years old.
Hormones? They can be tested right? It’s all I can do. Medication is not working. Therapy is not working. The psychologist is confused, as am I.
Hormonal Imbalance
I sit in the doctors office. I know that I am on hormonal contraception... I have been for 6 years.
“Can you please test all of my hormones?”, I say in a reluctant whisper.
“I don’t think it would be hormones - you have been on the Pill for so long...”
“Please?” - a desperate plee for answers
“Okay. Here’s the pathology form. While we are at it - let me check your thyroid too”
I receive a call. I go in. Hopeful for answers.
Low Hormones.
So low.
“Your Oestradiol levels are lower than perimenopause (<43)”
“Your progesterone levels are lower than menopause”
“Your body is not producing hormones”
oh.
I am a 25 year old female. My metabolism is functioning like a 17 year old, while my hormones are that of a 40 year old woman. WHAT?!
“I want to go off the pill.”, I say definitively.
She replies, “What are you going to do?” - the depth and intensity of her question unfathomable.
“Um. If what?”
“If you get pregnant.”
“Invite a precious life into the world...”
I pondered. Why was she so hesitant at the mention of omitting Hormonal Contracteption? In curiosity - I look it up.
What are the abortion rates in Australia?
oh.
1 in 6 women have an abortion by their mid-30s.
Professionally, she could not recommend that I go off hormonal contraception because of these rates.
My mind races - all of those women. Their little ones. God’s precious children. We must do something so that women feel supported to carry to full-term, even in the midst of crisis. I am reminded of Galatians 6:2 “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”
Growth. Change. Healing.
Fog softens into mist. Mist gathers into a seed. The seed rises into a plant, the plant into a tree - come and rest with me.
As I write this, It has been 94 days since I stopped taking hormonal contraception.
63 days since I last took an antidepressant.
By the grace of God, my hormone levels are gradually returning to normality.
Oestridol jumped from <43 to 198 pmol/L
Thyroid function is back to normal.
Progesterone is still low. 2.1 nmol/L. The lining of my uterus is not thickening. I haven’t had a cycle in 4 months. But God is good. He is healer.
He will restore the secret place of my womb.
In His time.
In His place.
Meanwhile, I sell sourdough - lot’s of it. Not to develop a business, but to raise money for First Steps Pregnancy Clinic. So that, pregnant women in crisis or who are experiencing difficult circumstances receive comprehensive care and a community of support.
Parting words
My lovely friend, if you have read to this point, I wish to thank you. This is my story. But it is ultimately God’s story that is still being written.
In these words, heavy topics have been discussed. Depression, Anxiety, Hormonal Imbalance, Fertility, Abortion.
If you feel uneasy, please seek professional help. In His great provision and grace, God has bestowed gifts upon medical professionals to interpret data and find solutions. But it is not simply up to them.
Do your research.
Understand your hormones.
Recognise how you feel.
But don’t stay stuck. There is a way out of the fog.
Test your hormones.
Know your body.
Nourish it. Care for it. Nurture it.
Yes, your body has the wondrous capacity to nurture new life. But it also has the marvellous ability to graciously nurture those around you.
“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, you are with me.”
Yours in Christ,
Claire Walker
This image was taken at my lowest point. My darling. You never know what someone may be going through. Show grace, be kind, and point to Jesus - always.
Professional Help:
Click the links below.
Your GP
Thank you Claire, sharing your journey like this is a precious gift to those who read it. May God bless you as you continue to walk with Him.